Most of us have experienced a difficult breakup, but once enough time passes, we forget how we once felt. If your loved one is currently in the trenches, here are 18 things to steer clear of when being their shoulder to cry on.
Downplaying Feelings
When someone is going through emotional turmoil and chooses you to turn to for support, under no circumstances should you discourage them from spilling whatever is on their mind, no matter how irrational. Listen without judgment. As Self quotes Dr. Degges-White, ‘empathy is one of the most important things you can offer.’
Compare to Other Experiences
Every romantic connection is completely unique, and there is no way that anyone outside of that relationship can understand its dynamics completely. In these situations, empathy will always triumph over comparison, so even if you can relate to certain situations they mention, it’s best to refrain.
Cliché Platitudes
Don’t let the words “it’s for the best” or “there are other fish in the sea” leave your mouth. Trust us, no one wants to hear it. Not only are these phrases meaningless to the person they are directed at when their pain is raw, but they also invalidate their emotions as it reduces their situation to an easy fix.
Criticising Their Ex
Regardless of their level of villainy, your heartbroken pal is struggling enough as it is without hearing insults about their ex-partner, making them feel as though they wasted their time with someone who was terrible for them. Avoid taking sides and offer support in ways that will encourage them to view things in a healthy way.
Finding Someone New
Please, whatever you do, don’t start immediately downloading Tinder or Hinge on their phone. Even if they think it might be a good idea to get themselves out there, they will soon realize that their already fragile self-esteem is at stake. We don’t think they will be able to handle any more rejection.
Details of the Breakup
Even if they are your closest friend, never pry or push for more details than they are offering. It’s natural to be curious, and you may feel that you want more information to give informed advice. However, some things may be too painful for them to share, and you must respect their privacy.
Past Relationships
While there can be some benefits to bringing up how they managed to get over their last break up, each situation is vastly different from the last. How they feel in the current moment is the most important thing to them, and they probably don’t need to be reminded of any of their previous baggage.
Rushing Their Recovery
Psychology Today puts it into perspective as they say, ‘Their grieving process is not on your timeline.’ While you may have the best intentions when guiding them through ways in which they can move on, it’s insensitive to assume that they will be able to recover at a speed that works for you.
The Insignificance of the Relationship
Put yourself in their shoes. Just because their relationship didn’t mean a whole lot to you doesn’t mean that they feel the same way. Most likely, they are mentally revisiting all the ups and downs as you speak and can’t get the thought that they wanted to marry them out of their mind.
Suggesting They’ll Come Back
There is always a chance that two people will rekindle their flame, but according to Hello Prenup, many factors, including age and previous cohabitation, can contribute to the odds, and 70% of couples stay separated. Giving your friend false hope will only set them back, so maybe don’t bring it up just to be safe.
Question Their Decision
Whether they were the dumper or the dump-ee, it is best to avoid asking whether they made the right decision when they ended the relationship or didn’t fight for it. There will be countless factors in play that you may never consider. Always choose to respect their autonomy and focus on supporting them through the aftermath.
Their Ex’s New Partner
If you stumble upon a picture of their ex with their newest squeeze when scrolling social media and rush to tell your heartbroken buddy – abort, abort, abort. It will not do them any favors in their healing journey to begin obsessing over what this new person has that they don’t.
Have They Called?
Unless their ex-partner needs to fetch their belongings from their shared apartment, they probably haven’t called, and your friend doesn’t need to be reminded of it. Instead, focus on subjects that center around them, how their hobbies are going, and what they’ve been watching. Anything else.
Praising The Single Life
Never take the “grass is always greener” approach. Yes, there are many positives to being newly single; you can make decisions without consulting your significant other, and you have more time to yourself. However, these are things that people won’t appreciate when their hearts have just been shattered.
Painful Memories
Even if they initiate reliving tough moments of their relationship, it isn’t going to help if you act as an enabler for them to indulge in their pain. As their support system, it is okay to listen for as long as they need you to, but try to steer clear of reminding them of any further details.
Will You Stay Friends?
It can be tough when two people that you care about have decided that they no longer want to love each other, and while there are many cases of past lovers becoming friends, that will not be the deal for everyone. Nor should it be forced by those around them.
Minimizing Their Pain
The last thing a person with an aching heart needs to hear is that there are worse things happening to people all over the world. While this is a valid point, it is a clear sign that you lack empathy if you attempt to minimize how much their current situation has turned their lives upside down.
Blame or Guilt
Counselling Directory states that ‘guilt is a natural emotion in relationship breakups.’ Despite there often being no one to blame, the downfall of a romantic connection will bring about all kinds of complex feelings, such as blame. If you find yourself wanting to place responsibility on your friend or their ex-partner, we recommend giving it a miss.
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